The People Vs Steve Burnside (Special Edition)
by Liquid
Summary: I, Liquid, want to kill Steve Burnside because he is worthless, but he wants a chance to prove otherwise. This is a re-write of the very first story that I did on this site back in 2002. Please read and review.
1. Ch 1 Worthless Human Being

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 1: Worthless Human Being**

Morning had come to the small apartment building where Steve Burnside lived on the top floor, and aside from the screaming fangirls who thought he was a young Leonardo Dicaprio, the only thing capible of waking him up was a blasting song from his alarm clock radio.

"Yes!" He screamed with delight while jumping out of bed. "Best song ever! _Seven a.m., waking up in the morning, gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have my cereal_."

He danced his way out of the bedroom while the song continued, and made his way to the bathroom where he picked up the razor. Steve looked at it for a second before dropping it while laughing because he doubted that he would ever be able to grow any facial hair, and then it was time for a shower.

"_It's Friday, Friday_." He sang while washing. "_Gotta get down on Friday. Everyondy's lookin forward to the weekend, weekend. Friday, Friday_."

Soon the shower was complete, and after drying off and making sure to brush his hair 100 times, he danced back into the bedroom to do the end of the song while posing like his Justin Bieber poster, but then the music stopped as he was getting dressed. It was repliaced with crackling static for several seconds, but then it became clear that a voice was trying to get through as he moved closer to investigate.

"Steve!" It yelled while slowly coming in clearer. "Steve Burnside, can you hear me?!

"Huh?" Steve replied. "Are you talking to... nayh, no way."

He reached for the knob to put on a different station, but got a literal shock of crackling electricity that suddenly flowed over the radio, making him cry out as he was knocked down.

"Don't turn me off!" The voice yelled again. "Now listen up, you 90's Leo Decaprio look-alike: My name is Liquid, and I have kidnapped your beloved Claire."

Steve gasped as thunder crashed and dramatic music started to play from nowhere, and that's when he realized that his 8:00 mani-pedi would have to wait. He didn't know who this Liquid person was, but anyone who would kidnapp Claire was obviously a villain who needed to be crushed.

"Let her go, you fiend!" He yelled as he picked up the radio. "Or I swear I'll smash you into tiny bits!"

"I'm not really a radio, dumbass." Liquid replied. "I'm just using it as a reciever so that I can give you my list of demands. Firstly: Look down your shirt and spell the word attic."

Steve hesitated for a second before slowly setting the radio back down. Then after making a quick check to see if anyone else was in the apartment, he did as he was instructed.

"A-T-T-I-C." He said while looking down his shirt. "So... what was the point of having me do... hey! That wasn't very nice."

Loud sinister laughter began to erupt from the radio, and Steve hung his head in shame as he realized that he had fallen victim to a prank that had once been popular with elementary school students, and this made his anger grow.

"What do you want, Liquid?!" He yelled.

"Oh, the usual things." The voice replied. "A fast car... lots of money... a threesome with Mila Kunis and Claudia Black... but for now I'll settle for you coming alone to the gas station on Front Street in one hour. You will not discuss this with anyone, and you will not be late unless you want me to sodomise Claire... again. This message will self-destruct."

Steve was about to ask what was meant by that, when the radio exploded. It wasn't a powerful blast, but still enough to make him stumble backwards where he banged his head on a low-hanging light fixture before burning his hand on the George-Forman Grill that he had forgotten to turn off last night.

"Damn it!" He screamed as he stumbled into a door that had just been painted. "Oh no, my new shirt!"

Stumbling backwards from the paint, he tried to rest by putting his hand on the open window frame, but then the window slammed closed, making him scream again as he pulled his hand free. The force of freeing himself made him stumble into the kitchen where his face slammed down into a large cake that had been baked last night, and the frosting muffled his scream from stepping into the bear trap that had been left on the floor for some reason.

Now hopping and screaming like a lunatic, Steve went right out the apartment door, and was hopping toward the elevator, when he slipped on a long-discarded bananna peel, causing him to lose his footing and tumble down the stairs. Eventually he came rolling to a stop on the bottom floor, where he crawled out of the stairwell, only to encounter a man in a bell-hop uniform.

"Help me!" Steve groaned as he pulled himself to his feet. "I have to save Claire... get this thing off me!"

"Sorry sir, but I can't help you." The bell-hop replied. "I am the 23 hour doorman, and I don't come on shift for another 30 seconds."

"23 hour doorman?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!"

"Well, I used to be the 24 hour doorman, but I couldn't take the long hours. Ah, time to get to work... allow me to show you the door, sir."

The doorman stepped on the release button for the bear trap, freeing Steve's leg before he grabbed the young man and tossed him outside. Steve now had to really hurry since there wasn't much time left to meet Liquid's deadline, but fortunately Front Street was only about a black away, and he could see the gas station on the corner as he wiped off the cake icing from his face. He ran and ran until finally reaching the long-abandoned gas station, where the door was already open and the lights were on.

"Hello?" Steve asked nervously while catching his breath in the doorway. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

The whole place was completely empty, and there didn't seem to be anyone around, so he stepped into the main room, only to jump as the door slammed shut and locked while heavy metal shutters came down over the windows. He tried the door, banged on the shutters, and called for help, but nothing caused anything to happen, that is, until he heard a toilet flushing from toward the back.

"Hello?" Steve asked again.

"Oh, you're early." A man who appeared to be about 30 replied as he came out. "And, um, I wouldn't be too hasty about going into that bathroom for awhile, because you see... I had Taco Bell for breakfast."

Thunder crashed as the same dramatic music from before started to play, and for some reason Steve became afraid as he looked at this person. His grey eyes were cold, and he was built like someone who had spent his entire life either getting into fights or going to prison, or maybe both. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was Liquid, and it's a good thing too, since Steve wasn't one, but he also saw that he was unarmed.

"The jig is up, Liquid." Steve said while reaching behind his back for his golden glocks. "Now are you gonna tell me where Claire is, or, um...

Some of the color drained from his face as he realized that he had forgotten to grab his guns before his rather dramatic exit from the apartment, and the smirk on Liquid's face told him that his enemy was aware of this as well.

"Claire isn't here." Liquid replied. "She never was, I just needed a reason to get you here. You see... I've decided that you are worthless, and since I'm basically God in this world, well... I'm afraid that you'll have to die."

Steve was more than a little surprised by this sudden revelation, but on the other hand he was also an experienced zombie killer who should easily be able to take down one man. So instead of running away or talking any more, he walked right up to Liquid and punched him in the mouth. He put all of his power into that hit, and expected his enemy to stumble backwards and fall in a similar way to when King Hippo got knocked out in Punch Out. However, the hit only made him twitch a little, and Steve's offensive was ended when Liquid decided to push him.

It was only done with one hand, and should've barely made Steve move, but instead he was sent stumbling backwards, where he fell on his ass and slid part way across the floor. A few seconds later Steve was getting up, and did so just in time to feel a stinging pain as Liquid pulled up his shirt and gave him a Pink Belly from hell. Steve cried out from this as he fell to his knees, and was stopped from getting up again by Liquid grabbing him by the throat with one hand and squeezing really hard.

"Why... are... you... doing... this?" Steve choked.

"You mean, besides the fact that I can?" Liquid replied. "It's because you are a worthless human being, and you fail at life so hard that if you were any more fucked up, you would be too fucked up to fuck up properly, and likely start doing things right as a result."

"I... am... not... worth... less."

"No? How do you figure that?"

"I... saved... Claire."

"So? I once saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Geico, but nobody's singing _my_ praises."

"Let... me... prove... my...

Steve was starting to turn blue, so Liquid released him, causing the young man to fall back onto the floor coughing as he tried to catch his breath. After awhile of this, Steve was slowly able to pull himself to his feet.

"Prove it how?" Liquid asked. "By lasting for 6 hours in a pit of starving weasels? I can make that happen."

He snapped his fingers, and part of the floor slid open to reveal a large pit of rabid starving weasels, and smong them were several skeletons, including one that wore clothes similar to Rip Taylor.

"No!" Steve yelled as he desperately tried to come up with a plan. "Let's have a, um, let's do a trial? Yeah, that's it! Let's do a trial, kind of like when the Q put Captain Picard on trial for the crimes of humanity."

Liquid looked at him for a minute as if considering it, and then shrugged as the floor closed back over the weasel pit.

"Aw hell, why not?" He asked. "Tell you what: If you can prove to a jury of my choosing that you are not worthless, I will spare your life. But if you can't... you get the weasels. Deal?"

Liquid smiled as he offered his hand, and realizing that it was his only chance to survive, Steve reluctantly shook his hand right before everything in the room went dark.


	2. Ch 2 The Trial Begins

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 2: The Trial Begins**

Darkness surrounded everything for several seconds while the sounds of a lot of heavy things being moved around could be heard from all directions. Suddenly the lights came back on, and he was in a different place. It was a small dimly lit room that looked like an interrogation room from that show Law and Order, and he was sitting at the side of the table opposite the door.

"Um... hello?" He asked.

There was no response, so he tried to get up, but found that his wrists and ankles were handcuffed to the chair he was sitting in. That, and he was also wearing an orange jumpsuit, but the rest of the investigation would have to wait because at that moment the door opened, and in walked two detectives.

"Shut up, scumbag." The older looking one said when Steve started to talk. "I'm Detective Brisco, and this is Detective Curtis. You're in a lot of trouble, son, so cooperate, and I might not let my partner here rape you with a Mag-Light."

Steve started to say something, but was stopped as Curtis held up a large Mag-Light while nodding and first pointing at Steve, and then smiling as he pointed to the light. Both detectives then sat down in chairs across the table from him, and Steve had to squint as Brisco suddenly turned the lamp toward him.

"Where were you on the night of June 17th, 1967?" He demanded.

"Um... not born yet?" Steve replied.

"A likely story." Curtis said. "Keep on bullshiting us and you're going to prison for a long time, kid... do you know what they _do_ to good looking young men in prison?"

Suddenly the door opened again, and a very tense looking older man barged in, he dropped his large and very disorganized briefcase on the table as he sat down next to Steve, and then he took a few seconds to catch his breath.

"Sorry I'm late, you're like my 14th case this week." He said as he cleaned his glasses. "Now here's my plan: You're gonna plead guilty to all charges so that I can go home and get some sleep while you focus on how to survive in prison. I recommend finding someone tough and offering to be their bitch in exchange for not getting shanked... sound good?"

"No, that sounds horrible!" Steve yelled. "What the hell is wrong with you people?! How did I even get here?! You guys probably aren't even...

His words turned into a scream as Curtis held his arm down while Brisco put out his cigerette in Steve's palm. Both detectives and even the lawyer got a good laugh at this along with the large urine stain that was forming on the front of Steve's pants. The lawyer laughed so hard that he suddenly grabbed his left arm before collapsing on the floor from a heart attack, but then the laughter stopped as the door opened again and Claire Redfield walked in.

"Both of you get out." She ordered. "I'd like to have a word with my client alone."

Surprisingly the detectives did as she said, and Claire sat down next to Steve once they had walked out the door. She started to say something, but stopped as she sniffed the air and a disgusted look crossed her face.

"Oh, my God." She said as she looked around. "It smells like someone peed in here."

"It was me." Steve said sadly. "I... peed."

Claire shook her head and had to look away for a second in order to calm down. She took a few deep breaths before turning back toward him, and she looked like she was trying to figure out the right words to say.

"Steve, you're in a lot of trouble." She began. "I got Liquid to let me be your defense attorney, but I really don't know what our chances are."

"Who_ is _this Liquid guy?" Steve demanded with growing anger in his voice. "What gives him the right to chain me up like this or judge me for anything? I mean, who does he think he is, and why should I give a flying fuck what he...

He trailed off as Claire suddenly slapped him in the mouth. He just looked at her with a shocked expression on his face, and for a moment it looked like he was going to cry, but somehow managed to choke back the tears.

"Steve, you can't act like this." She warned. "Liquid is... well, he isn't a normal person. He can make things happen, and like it or not, he's in charge. Our only hope of saving your life is to win this trial, but don't worry... I have a plan."

He was about to ask what her plan was, but was interupted as the door opened and the detectives came back. It looked like Brisco was about to hit him, and he shrieked while closing his eyes, but instead of attacking, the detective unlocked the handcuffs.

"Alright kid, let's go." He said. "The trial is about to begin."

The two of them led Steve and Claire out of the room and down the hall to a set of double doors that opened into a large and well lit courtroom. The seats were full of people who had apparently come to watch the trial, and Steve swallowed hard as he saw that Liquid was sitting at the Judge's bench.

"Just be cool." Claire whispered as they were led to the defendant's table. "And don't let Liquid see that you're afraid... he get's off on that."

Steve kept telling himself to not be afraid as he looked around the courtroom, but this was harder to do as he began to recognize some of the faces around him. Albert Wesker was at the prosecuter's table, and he made a motion of dragging his finger across his neck once he saw Steve looking at him.

"Ok, here's how this works." Claire continued. "Everything is going to happen like a normal trial, except the judge is corrupt and probably already thinks you're guilty, and the jury is made up of people so dumb that they couldn't even think of an excuse to get out of jury duty."

"All rise." The baliff said before Steve could reply. "The honorable, well, sort of, not really, Judge Liquid presiding. Case #1441: The People Vs. Steve Burnside, the defendant is charged with being a worthless human being and possibly looking like a young Leonardo Dicaprio."

The gallery gasped and murmured their dissapproval while some older women fainted, and Steve was filled with dread as Liquid hit the hammer on the desk to call the room to order.

"Council will make opening arguements." He said as he leaned back in the chair.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury." Wesker began as he stood up. "Steve Burnside is a pathetic waste of protein, and deserves whatever the judge gives him. I mean look at him; he's almost prettier than Claire is, and his voice squeaks like John Connor in _Terminator 2_. Prosecution rests."

The gallery and jury nodded their heads while nodding in agreement, and Steve started to get nervous as Wesker sat back down, but was then filled with hope when Claire stood up. She was no doubt going to wow them with her charm and charisma, and he could almost smell his own freedom approaching.

"Um, members of the jury." She said nervously. "Um, well... uh, we've all seen _Jurassic Park_, right? But we, um, uh, all know that, um, Jeff Goldblume wasn't _really_ chased by dinosaurs, so, um... the defence rests."

"What the fuck was that?" Steve whispered as she sat back down. "Are you _trying_ to get me killed?"

"I'm sorry... I just get nervous when I talk in front of people, but don't worry because we're going to win this thing. Just wait till I get some wittnesses on the stand."

Steve tried to pretend that he was confident, but everything was looking pretty hopeless from where he was sitting.


	3. Ch 3 Wittness Testimony

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 3: Wittness Testimony**

"Why are we all sitting around like we had a chapter break or something?" Liquid demanded. "Call some wittnesses, damn it."

Steve was getting hopeful since Claire seemed to be getting over her nervousness, at least while she was sitting down, but now it was time for the prosecuter to call his first wittness. But who was it going to be? What was going to happen to him if the verdict of the trial was guilty? Why is Sandy Koufax the only jewish baseball player anyone remembers? These questions and more were about to be answered.

"The people." Wesker said as he stood up. "Call Umbrella special agent Hunk a.k.a Mr. Death to the stand."

The enigmatic veteran of Resident Evil bonus games suddenly appeared from somewhere in the gallery, and was quickly sworn in before taking the stand.

"Mr. Hunk." Wesker continued. "What do you think of Steve Burnside?"

"Not much." Hunk replied. "I mean, aside from the fact that it would be fun to have him as an enemy. I mean, the idiot not only emptied the whole clip of two automatic weapons into a single zombie, but he also got himself locked into some kind of heat trap, and finally couldn't even kill a single human when he became a badass BOW. That... and he looks like a young Leonardo Dicaprio."

"No further questions."

The jury murmured to themselves as Wesker sat down, and then Claire cleared her throat as she stood up.

"Mr. Hunk." She said. "What is your occupation?"

"I'm an Umbrella special forces agent, specializing in staying alive long after everyone else is dead, and accomplishing the mission no matter what. Hell, except for that Tofu guy, I'm probably the best."

"I see... so during your evaluation of Steve, you were comparing his skills to your own?"

"Objection, your honor." Wesker said. "Let the record show that the defence is attempting to lead the wittness."

"Record?" Liquid asked. "Oh shit, is someone supposed to be writing this down?"

"Answer the question, Hunk." Claire said with more aggression in her voice. "Are you evaluating Steve by comparing his skills to your own?"

"Well... yes." Hunk replied.

There was a startled gasp from the crowd, and the jury resumed murmuring amongst themselves.

"That being said." Claire went on. "How do you think Steve did if he were to be compared to an average lazy American 17 year old?"

"Well, that's different." Hunk replied. "I suppose that if you compared him to the typical fat, lazy, spoiled, sissy American teenager... that he did pretty good."

"No further questions."

The surprised gasping and murmuring resumed as Hunk stepped down, and Claire gave a thumbs up to Steve, which filled him with hope. That, and now it was time for the defense to call a wittness, which meant that their situation could only improve.

"The defense." Claire said. "Calls Leon Kennedy to the stand."

Just like with Hunk, Leon came out of the gallery and was sworn in. He then took the stand, and made sure to comb his hair for a second before Claire walked up to him.

"Hello Leon." She said. "Could you please give us your impression of Steve Burnside."

"I don't do impressions, my field is law enforcement." Leon replied. "But I can tell you that Steve got a raw deal from the start. He and his family were imprisoned on Rockfort Island by Umbrella, and Steve had to kill his own zombified father. Given his age and amount of experience, he did very well against incredible odds, and I would take him on a mission with me anytime."

"Thank you Leon, no further questions."

Steve was all smiles and Leon gave him a thumbs up as well, but then she shadow of despair returned as Wesker came up to the stand.

"Mr. Kennedy." He calmly said. "Is it true that you've been chasing after the same woman for over 15 years, with no success? A woman who almost got you kill and betrayed you several times, yet whom you claimed to _know very well _a mere 15 minutes after meeting?"

"Objection your honor." Claire replied. "How is this relevent?"

"I actually agree." Liquid added. "What's the point here, Wesker?"

"The point, your honor." Wesker explained. "Is that as a wittness, Leon Kennedy is an unreliable moron who lacks the mental capacity for sound judgement. He could have had Claire, Ashley, Helena, Hunnigan, or the grown up Sherry Birkin, but what did he do? He pushed them all away on the off chance that Ada would give him pity sex at some point before he died."

"It's true!" Leon screamed. "I'm an idiot and I fell in love with a bad girl, but its a disease, man! It's a disease, and... ADAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Leon then began sobbing into his hands, and Liquid snapped his fingers, causing a pair of large men in white coats to enter the court room. They walked up to the stand and put the still sobbing Leon into a straint-jacket before leading him toward the door.

"It's gonna be ok, buddy." One of the men said. "You're gonna have a roof over your head, a nice comfy bed that is screwed down, and a healthy diet of applesauce and thorazine."

"I like applesauce." Leon replied quietly as they left the room.

Everyone in the room was silent for over a minute after the doors closed, and no one was sure what to do. Claire had her head down on the desk in frustration, Wesker was just sitting there like victory was assured, and Steve was terrified. Leon's testomony had just been completely destroyed, so what was going to happen now.

"Alright, enough with the depression." Liquid suddenly said. "We need to get back into the spirit of things, so to brighten things up, I present for your entertainment Mr. George Clooney."

There was a light applause as George Clooney walked into the center of the court room, and he bowed as the people as the applause died down.

"Being drowned in a rain barrel." Liquid added.

George Clooney gasped as two baliffs grabbed his arms, and a third one struck him in the stomach with a knight stick before he could try to get away. They then dragged him over to a large barrel of water, and he screamed as they shoved him in head-first. His legs kicked and water splashed out for several seconds, but then he stopped moving.

"There, that's better." Liquid said as he leaned back. "What do you think, Steve?"

Steve started to respond while standing up, but then he fainted.


	4. Ch 4 Working The System

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 4: Working The System**

While waiting for Steve to wake up from his little fainting spell, Claire decided to implement a new strategy. Their case was rapidly falling apart, and Liquid was an asshole, so unless she did something drastic, Steve was going to die.

"Liquid." She said as she walked into the judge's chambers. "I'm here to ask you very nicely to let Steve go."

He was sitting behind the desk with a pair of reading glasses on, scanning through what appeared to be a law book. This filled Claire with hope that he might actually be following some kind of written doctrine, but then her heart sank when she saw that there was a _Spawn_ comic book hidden in the pages.

"Let Steve go, you say?" He asked as he took off the glasses. "I'm afraid that's impossible... you see, Steve is on trial for a terrible crime, and if I were to just let him go, well... not only would he never learn, but I would be dealing him a great injustice."

With that, Liquid returned his attention to the comic book, and this filled Claire with rage to the point where she smacked it out of his hands.

"Alright, you little dick head!" She yelled as she slammed her hands down on the desk. "Steve hasn't committed any crimes, and I doubt if an idiot like you even knows how to _spell_ justice! You're nothing but a little bully, and bully's turn into cowards when people stand up to them, so I suggest that you release him before I get _really_ mad!"

No sooner had she said those words, when Liquid pushed a button on the desk. This caused a panel to slide open, and from it shot a spring loaded pie that struck Claire in the face so hard that she was knocked off her feet. Pie filling went everywhere as she hit the floor, and Liquid's laughter echoed through the room as she wiped it off her face.

"I should thank you, Claire." He said as he stood up. "I've been waiting over a week to use that thing, and I'm sorry if the pie was a bit moldy. Oh, and by the way, justice is spelled W-H-A-T I S-A-Y G-O-E-S, you ridiculous prostitute. However, you _have_ motivated me to take more action in Steve's trial, but first... I want my comic book back."

Back in the court room, Steve had finally woken up from his faint, thanks to some smelling salts, and after a few minutes of everyone mocking him for fainting like a little girl, he got back into his chair. A few seconds later Claire walked out of the judge's chambers with a shocked expression on her face, and she looked a little pale as she sat down.

"Claire?" Steve asked. "Are you ok?"

"I knocked his comic on the floor." She said quietly. "He made me pick it up... with my ass."

"He did what?! Why that dirty son of a bitch! I promise you, Claire, you and me are gonna win this thing, and then we're gonna take that Liquid bastard down!"

He expected this little speech to inspire her, but instead she just shook her head before standing up again.

"I'm sorry, Steve, there was nothing I could do." She replied. "Things will just get worse if I fight him any more, so... good bye."

Steve was left dumbfounded as his defense attorney then turned toward the door and walked out of the court room, essentially leaving him high and dry. She walked out the door at the same time that Liquid came out of the judge's chambers. If he hadn't been so scared and confused about what had just happened, he might have gotten angry, but what was he supposed to do now?

"I have an announcement." Liquid said as he sat down at the bench. "Ms. Redfield has decided to step down as the defendent's attorney, but all is not lost. This _is _America, after all... at least I think it is. Which means that everyone is entitled to a defense, so ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, put your hands together for our very own court appointed attorney... Barry Burton."

Applause erupted from the gallery, and some of the color drained out of Steve's face as the big man ran into the court room. He bowed several times, making sure to face each section of the room until the applause died down, and then he walked past the defence table as if he were going to make a speech.

"Alright." Barry said as he started pacing. "Now through this trial we're gonna hear the word panties several times, so let's just get those giggles out now. Panties, panties, panties. Ok, good, now I've been hearing the word _worthless _being thrown around like a bone for old Blue, but just because someone isn't worth a damn, does that really make them worthless?"

"Barry, what are you doing?" Steve asked quietly. "How does this help me?"

"Shut up, boy, I'm defending you here. Now I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that my client is innocent. Hell, he's guilty as you please. Just look at those soft feminine facial features and those lost glazed-over eyes... why it turns my stomach just to look at him. Anyway, in conclusion, I'd like to recall the immortal words of the great Abraham Lincoln... um, uh... well, that about wrapps it up."

Steve was shaking like a little leaf as Barry sat down, but his new attorney was filled with confidence.

"See, I got them eating out of my hand." Barry said quietly. "This trial's in the bag."

"Prosecution will call the next wittness." Liquid ordered.

"Yes, your honor." Wesker replied as he stood up. "The people call Steve Burnside to the stand."

Thunder crashed and the dramatic music resumed as the shaking and terrified Steve got up and slowly made his way to the stand. There he was sworn in, and tried not to piss himself again as Wesker stood before him.

"Mr. Burnside, and I remind you that you're under oath." He began. "Is it true that you are a half-wit?"

"What?" Steve asked. "No, of course not."

"Oh really? Then how do you explain getting locked into a heat trap and needing to be rescued by Claire, when all you had to do to escape was put the guns back, hmm? Could it be that you are such a mental-midget that you got caught by a trap not dissimilar to that used by redneck hunters to catch raccoons? No further questions."

Steve let out a sigh of relief when Wesker stepped away, but felt a knot form in his stomach when Barry got up to walk over to him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this young man's case moves me." Barry began. "Look at this pittyable object, this pathetic shell of a human being who has never known the touch of a woman. He sits there soiling himself as we speak, surrounded by a sea of unfriendly faces, and only wishing for one more chance to unscramble porn on the channel you can only get during a storm, because it is the closest thing he will ever get to sex. The defense rests."

Steve was allowed to step down from the bench and return to the defense table, where once again Barry was all smiles.

"I'm sitting next to a free man." He laughed while patting Steve on the shoulder.

"Well, this trial has certainly been a roller coaster." Liquid said. "Now, if there are no further wittnesses, this court will recess for 15 minutes so that I can destroy all the hard work the janitor did cleaning the bathroom this morning, and then we will reconvien for closing arguements."

He struck the hammer down on the desk, and Steve didn't know what to do. His luck was running out, Claire was gone, and now all he could do was wait.


	5. Ch 5 Closing Arguements

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 5: Closing Arguements**

The brief recess was over all to quickly for Steve, and before he knew it everyone was coming back into the court room. Liquid banged his hammer to resume the trial once the last of the people were sitting down, and now it was time for closing arguements.

"The prosecution will make closing arguements." Liquid ordered.

"Yes, your honor." Wesker replied as he stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the facts and even been provided with video footage of all the Steve cutscenes in R_esident Evil Code Veronica_, which I heard you giggling about earlier."

"Those scenes _were_ pretty funny." Barry whispered.

"Anyhow, I don't have to reiterate how important it is that find the defendant guilty, but I will anyway. This case will set a new precident about how worthless people are treated in general; just think about how much tougher we will be able to be on fathers who don't pay child support, or on senators who keep getting re-elected just because no one cares to vote. That, and imagine how your spouces and children will look at you when you come home if you allow someone to go unpunished for looking like a young Leonardo Dicaprio. The procesution rests."

Wesker smirked at Steve as he sat down, and members of the jury seemed to be muttering in agreement amongst themselves. This was his last chance for his life to be saved, and it was all up to Barry, who was now standing up to give what Steve hoped was a good solid arguement. Yes, that was it: His attorney had been sandbaging and playing dumb this whole time in order to lull the prosecution into a false sense of security, and now he was going to wow them with something utterly amazing.

"Your honor, members of the jury, and everyone else who is here today." Barry began. "I hate to say this, but this whole situation stinks like the backside of an unwashed skunk. It's getting so bad that I am suffering endlessly, and in fact, your honor... its getting so bad that I can't eat... I can't sleep... I can't drink."

"Why not?" Liquid asked.

"Because I ain't got no money. The defense rests."

With that, Barry sat down while Steve's jaw dropped. Almost all of the color had drained out of his face now, and it was hard for his mind to believe what had just happened, but there it was. Was this his fate? Was he going to be executed for something he didn't do just because his attorney was retarded and the judge was a complete dick?

"Such great arguements." Liquid said. "Now, is there anything else to be added to the record before the jury begins deleberation?"

"I would like to add something." Steve found himself saying as he stood up.

There were some startled gasps from the gallery at this unexpected turn of events, and Steve expected for Liquid to just shut him down, but instead the judge nodded and motioned for him to continue.

"Thank you." Steve began. "You have all heard the evidence against me, but there are a few points that I would like you to consider. Firstly that I was only 17 during the events of that game, and I might have made a few mistakes, but what 17 year old wouldn't have? And yes it's true that I was captured and turned into a BOW, but its also true that I regained my willpower and died in that game in order to save Claire. Um... thank you."

Again there were murmurs and indistinct mutterings heard floating around the room, and Steve hoped that his appeal had done its job, but Liquid did not seem very moved.

"It appears that all remarks are complete." Liquid said as Steve sat down. "Now it is up to you, the jury, to decide this young man's fate. You may now retire to the jury room and take as long as you need... as long as you're done by lunch. It's meatloaf day in the cafeteria."

The jury all stood up and formed a single file line that moved away from their seats and toward a revolving door. They each entered the door one at a time, only to come out the other side and immediatly return to their seats. Steve nearly fainted from the realization that they weren't even going to take the time to consider the evidence, but it was too late to do anything else.

"I'm glad to see you took your time." Liquid said once everyone was seated. "I was about to send out a damn search party... have you reached a virdict?"

"We have, your honor." The jury foreman replied as he stood up. "We, the jury, on the charge of being so worthless that his mother should have just given head, find the defendant, Steve Burnside... not guilty."

Liquid's jaw dropped and Steve literally wet himself at this startling revelation, while people fainted in the gallery and members of the press tried to get past the guards in order to take pictures. After a few minutes everything started to calm down, and Steve should have been happy, but something was wrong. Liquid had not struck the hammer to end the case, and the jury foreman was still standing.

"However." He continued. "On the charge of looking like a young Leonardo Dicaprio, a charge to which no denial or evidence against guilt was ever given... we find the defendant, Steve Burnside... guilty."

Steve hung his head as thunder crashed and dramatic music began to play. How was this possible? He had been so wrapped up in defending himself against the worthlessness charges that he had forgotten all about being accused of this second crime that as far as Liquid was conserned, was just as bad.

"Well, well, well." Liquid said with a smile. "A virdict of guilty has just come across my desk, and now all we have to decide is what to do with you."

"Cut off his feet!" A man from the gallery yelled.

"Hang him!" A second man yelled.

"Cut off his feet _and then _hang him!" A third man yelled.

The court room had suddenly become a riot like in the old monster movies, complete with torches and pitch forks. It looked like they were about to descend upon Steve, and he cowered in terror, but then the masses were silenced by the striking of Liquid's hammer.

"That's enough." He ordered. "I'm the judge here, and there won't be any riots in _my _court room unless I say so. Now... as for sentencing... what punishment, I ask you, what punishment would be cruel and unusual enough to redeem you in the eyes of society? I'll have to give the matter a little thought first... go away and come back tomorrow. Court is in recess until then."

He struck the hammer again, and the bailiffs grabbed Steve's arms, dragging him out of the room as the gallery once again began screaming and lighting their torches.


	6. Ch 6 Sentencing

**The People Vs. Steve Burnside (Special Edition)**

**Chapter 6: Sentencing**

Expecting to be taken to some kind of a holding cell, Steve was surprised when he was instead dragged out of the court house to where a large crowd had gathered. It was an ugly, angry mob, made up of ugly, angry people, and they were absolutely fuming. Protesters were singing, people were jumping up and down on cars while smashing the windshields with baseball bats, and all of them had picket signs held up that had a picture of 90's Leonardo Dicaprio with a red 'no' sign painted over it.

"That guy Steve Burnside." A protester sang. "I say we give him the gas. No, hey how about we just... deep fry his ass?"

The baliffs took him over to a set of wooden stocks, and quickly locked his head and wrists inside while the crowd tossed rotton fruit at him.

"You suck at life, Steve!" Another protester yelled. "I oughta go and kick the shit out of your mother!"

"My mother's been dead for years!" Steve yelled back.

"You think that's gonna stop me?!"

This went on for several minutes as Steve was pelted in the head with lettice, tomatoes, and other nasty vegetables, until finally the baliffs unlocked him. It was actually a relief to be taken back into the court room, even while suffering through the peels of laughter resulting from his current condition. This relief did not last, however, as the back doors opened and Liquid made his way into the room.

"Alright, court is back in session." He announced. "Sorry it took so long, but I poured myself a drink, and, well... honestly I forgot you were out there."

Steve was not surprised by this as he watched Liquid sit back at the bench, and now it was time to face the music. Liquid was no doubt expecting him to cry and beg for mercy, but he was in for a big surprise.

"The defendant will rise." Liquid ordered.

Barry and Steve slowly stood up, and a sudden hush fell over the gallery as everyone leaned forward, eager to hear what unfortunate fate was to befall him. But he would not be bullied, nor would he be intimidated by Liquid's strange way of influencing the world around him, and he would take his punishment like a real man.

"Steve Burnside." Liquid continued. "Having been found guilty of looking like a young Leonardo Dicaprio by a jury of your peers, I hereby sentence you... to 1000 hours of community service."

Thunder began to crash as the dramatic music resumed, followed by startled gasps and screams from the gallery, but then the thunder, music, and gasps stopped as everyone realized what he had just said. Everyone, including Steve, had the same confused brain-glitched expressions on their faces, but then Steve realized that he wasn't about to die.

"Well, that's not so bad." He said. "I mean, if Lindsay Lohan can get through community service, I should be able to handle it just fine."

"Yes, 1000 hours of community service." Liquid continued. "Service which will be spent... making a christmas movie with Tim Allen."

The thunder and dramatic music resumed as waves of pure fear swept through the gallery, and all of the newfound hope on Steve's face vanished. He wanted to take this punishment like a man, but instead found himself sobbing like a little girl as he ran toward the bench.

"Nooooooo!" He screamed as he fell to his knees. "Please, have mercy on me! I'll take any other punishment you have, just please, not that!"

"Silence." Liquid ordered. "Your pleas for mercy will not be heard. You are guilty, and I am forced to enact swift and painful justice on your sorry ass. Court is adjourned."

He struck the hammer, and Steve let out a high-pitch shriek as the bailiffs grabbed him, a shriek which continued as they dragged him out of the court room.

**(Six months later)**

The christmas season had come at last, and Liquid was in good spirits as he returned to his living room with a mug of heavily spiked eggnog. Setting the drink down next to his bowl of pretzels, he sat down in the couch and turned on the television just as _The Santa Clause 8 _came back on after commercials. The screen changed to show Tim Allen in a poorly done santa suit standing in the snow next to Steve, who was in his normal clothes.

"And that was the second time I got herpes." Tim Allen continued. "Now... as my newest elf, it is your job to help me save christmas. To do so, you can start out by cleaning out my old war wound."

He handed Steve a scrub brush before turning around and dropping his pants, making Steve's face turn green, and Liquid turned off the television just before the boy started throwing up all over himself.

"Justice is served." Liquid said as he took a sip of the eggnog.


End file.
